


The Universe is Not Enough

by Bellaromanza



Category: Skyfall (2012) - Fandom, Torchwood
Genre: Crossover, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Unexpected day, slight scare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-20 02:57:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/580541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellaromanza/pseuds/Bellaromanza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Q is kidnapped by incompetent thugs with a warehouse full of marijuana. </p><p>That's not where the danger lies, however.  Bond can take care of the thugs, but only Q knows how to help them both survive the new threat. </p><p>More fluff and not nearly as dire as it sounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Universe is Not Enough

Q woke up in the back of a moving lorry, inexpertly trussed up. The slight headache of the chloroform used was burned off by the sheer irritation of how sloppy his kidnappers were. He dug his phone out of his trousers and one handed and blind, (his head was covered by a foul smelling bag) shot off a text message to Bond. Then he slipped his phone inside of this loafer. No one searched your shoes unless you were at an aeroport. 

 

Bond was flirting with Moneypenny as he waited for M when his phone both vibrated and played the 'Ride of the Valkyries' by Wagner. 

“Oh, that’s Q,” Moneypenny said helpfully as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. 

“I didn’t realize he had my….” Bond trailed off as he read the text message. 

“kidnapped. TRiangulate my signal.” 

“Apparently he’s not even here and in trouble,” Bond said as he tilted the screen for Eve to read. 

“M!” she called and the door to his office opened. “Q has been kidnapped.” 

M nodded. “Moneypenny, coordinate with Q branch and trace his phone. Bond, use the helicopter. Q is an intelligence asset that we cannot afford to lose.”

“Yes, sir,” Bond said and he disappeared out the door. 

 

The kidnapper unceremoniously dropped him onto a chair, loosely tying his hands together after a lazy pat down. Q strained his senses to see if he knew where they’d taken him, but all he could smell was earth and greenery. Then the bag was yanked from his face and he blinked at the sudden light. He was on a platform in a very large warehouse. So large that the edges were pitch black, however the huge expanse of green was what caught his eye. 

“That is an enormous amount of marijuana,” he said. 

There was laughter from his kidnappers. There were six of them, thugs all. Unfortunately, all with pistols in their hands as well. 

“You work at SIS, yeah?” the apparently head kidnapper asked. 

Q rolled his eyes so hard that he gave himself a headache. “I and a thousand other drones. What, did you think you’d caught a special agent?” he mocked. 

“Doesn't matter,” the man said. “They’ll pay to get you back.” 

More than likely, Q thought. “No, they probably won’t and if you kill me then my poor mum is out her support.” 

“If we kill you she’ll get your insurance, mate,” Thug 2 answered and the others laughed. 

“Unlikely since I made my lover my beneficiary,” Q lied. He was playing for time and if bantering with these fool was doing it, then so be it. 

“Wouldn't your lover give some to your mum?” Thug 3 asked. 

“No,” Q said, “He’s a right shit. Maybe it’s time to break it off,” he mused. 

“How rash. After I get you out of this, maybe you’ll give me a second chance.” 

Q smirked at the collective jump and spin of the thugs. 

“Bond, how lovely to see you.” He watched as Bond sauntered up the aisle-way towards them, weapon at the ready. 

Bond smirked. “What a prodigious amount of illegal substances you’ve found for me, Q. I’m impressed.” 

“Oy,” Thug 1 complained before he was shot in the shoulder and his weapon clattered to the ground. 

A rustle in the plants on Q’s right made his head snap around. He peered into the greenery even as Bond dispatched the other kidnappers. 

“I’m so sorry if I’m boring you,” Bond’s voice said and Q turned back to smile at the agent.

“Are they dead?” Q asked as Bond knelt behind him, tsking in disapproval as he cut the already slackening rope. Q pulled his phone out of his shoes and slipped it into his pocket, then stood and rubbed his wrists. His only partially facetious question answered by the moaning of one of the thugs on the platform. 

“No,” Bond said and was about to continue when the rustling was heard again and Q’s heart stopped at the sight of a stone wing peeking above the illegal plants. 

“Shit. Shit!” Q hissed and the alarm in his voice tipped Bond off to the fact that something was seriously wrong. 

“Back to my back,” Q snapped and Bond obeyed without question, Walther out at as he waited for the unseen enemy. “And Moneypenny, if you can hear me, call UNIT.” 

“Who?” Q heard the puzzlement in her voice but M’s reassuring voice came over Bond’s earpiece. 

“I’m doing it right now, Q. Threat level?” 

“Ten! I repeat 10!” 

“Very well,” M said and Q could feel the tension stiffen Bond’s back and he could almost hear the questions from the agent but they didn’t have ~time~.

“Bond, whatever you do, when you see them, do not blink.” 

“What?” Bond asked and grunted as Q pushed him towards the steps off of the platform. 

“Quickly,” Q implored and they scrambled awkwardly off onto the mulch pathway and both men could hear the rustling getting louder. 

“Bloody hell!” Bond yelped and shot. There was a cut off wail and the smell of broken stone. 

“I don’t know if that works but do not blink,” Q ordered, his own set of angels a hundred meters in front of him and he desperately need to blink.

“I blew its bloody head off,” Bond said even as they moved swiftly down the path. 

“Excellent. How far are we to the door?” Q asked, already sweating though his shirt and jumper even as he kept himself plastered to 007’s broad back. 

“Twenty meters,” Bond said, firing off another shot and exploding another angel. They both ignored the thug’s screams from the platform.

“Okay,” Q said, bracing himself. “How fast can you run?” 

“Extremely fast,” Bond replied. “Yourself?” 

“I’m motivated,” Q said. “On my mark, you run to the doors and do not look back. I will be on your heels.” 

“Q…” 

“Mark!” Q shouted and spun around, shoving Bond’s shoulder forward as they sprinted for the half open warehouse door. His heart was beating out of his chest and he could feel stone fingers brush the back of his neck as he burst into the light. “Shut the door, chain the bloody door!” he shouted and was relieved to hear someone do exactly that even as they could hear banging on it. 

“What in the…” Bond burst out but Q held up a finger for silence as he bent over and tried to catch his breath. He was ridiculously out of shape these days.

“Well, well. I don't know about you, but ~my~ day just got suddenly better.” 

The American accent made a vein throb in Q’s temple but pushed himself up and smiled at the ridiculously handsome man in the familiar greatcoat. 

“Jack. I don’t remember inviting you to the party. I thought you were in Cardiff.” 

Jack Harkness grinned wickedly and gestured to the area full of milling UNIT soldiers with their red berets. “I was visiting with Dr. Stewart when M called and I invited myself along.” 

“Who…” Bond attempted but Q held up a finger. 

“It’s good to see you,” Jack,” Q said fondly and accepted the bear hug and jumped when he was goosed on the arse. “Really, Jack?” 

Bond looked murderous but Jack only smirked unrepentedly. “It’s been too long since I’ve felt it, don’t blame me for trying to refresh my memory.” 

“If I may…” Bond tried to begin again but Q held up a finger. 

“If you hadn’t guessed, we have a flock of Weeping Angels in the warehouse. And probably 20 million Euros of marijuana as well,” Q said, getting down to business. 

“I was wondering was inside,” Jack asked, serious as well. “I wasn’t sure so we packed everything.” 

“I’d like to…” 007 tried to doggedly interrupt but was foiled again by Q’s upraised finger. 

“In a moment, Bond,” Q said. “I think a missile should kill them. Bond used his gun and blew the heads off of a couple which seemed to work. The warehouse won’t be a great loss.” 

“Gotcha,” Jack said and gestured for a man, a Colonel, Bond realized. “Canaday, set up a launcher on the East and West sides of the warehouse. We’re going to burn it to the bloody ground.” 

“Very well, Captain Harkness,” the Colonel said, obviously, and to Bond’s surprise, deferring to the American. 

“Are you…” 

Q grabbed 007’s elbow. “We'll need to move a bit farther away, Bond. Time is of the essence.” 

Jack grinned as he watched Q tow the unresisting and plainly seething agent to an area where they could watch the show without getting hurt. UNIT vehicles followed suit and in a matter of minutes they were ready. 

“Q, would you like the honor?” Jack asked. 

“No, go ahead.” Q said with a headshake. 

Bond stayed at Q’s shoulder as the order was given and the warehouse exploded with an impressive bang. It was interesting to see an explosion from the outside rather than trying to escape it from within. 

“Nice to know that you’re outside of one of these, for once,” Q shouted above the roar of the fire. Apparently Q could read minds in addition to his other talents. The wood was tinder dry and it quickly became engulfed. After a few minutes and thankfully, a strong breeze blowing seaward the fire began to quiet. 

“Now may I…” he began but Q held up a finger. 

“They’re called Weeping Angels. Nobody knows where they’re from but they’re aliens. If they get you they can send you back in time and live off of the potential energy of their victim’s life. This is Captain Jack Harkness of Torchwood. Torchwood is an offshoot of UNIT, no, don’t make that face Jack, you know it’s true. Anyway, I used to work for Jack before I accepted the job with MI6. UNIT is a multinational force that deals with aliens. Queen Victoria founded Torchwood to do the same.”

“That’s a bit simplified, isn’t it?” Jack commented. 

“Shut it, Jack. For this conversation it is fine. Anyway, Bond. Yes, there are aliens. Yes, the Queen and the Prime Minister knows. No, we don’t have to deal with them normally because we have Torchwood and UNIT. Yes, Jack isn’t from around here and though he sounds American, he’s really not.” 

“I have been,” Jack said with a pout. 

“You’ve live on this side of the pond for far longer than you did in America, you great prat.” 

“Being buried beneath ground doesn’t count.” 

Q rolled his eyes at Jack’s drama. “Jack, this is James Bond.” 

“Oh, a double 0, right?” Jack said with a grin. Jack and James shook hands and Q felt like his universe had gotten onto a tilt-a-whirl for a moment. Bond stepped back to Q’s side and the possessive move wasn’t missed by a sharp eyed Jack. 

“I’ve missed you,” Jack said with a devilish smile. “How would you like to come back and work for me?”

“No, Jack,” Q snapped. “I left because I needed a break from the craziness.” 

“Fine,” Jack said, raising his hands. “Sorry. It’s just I really have missed you, so has the gang. How’s Evelyn?”

Q sighed. “Mum’s fine. Still blames me for letting you get away.” 

“You do realize,” Jack began but stopped when Q held up a hand. 

“I know, thanks.” But the past was the past, as long as you discounted the Doctor. 

A squeal from Bond’s earpiece made him curse and Q plucked it out. “It won’t work around UNIT but we’d best get back anyway. I’m sure M is full of questions. You’ll forward the report to me, Jack?”

Jack had turned back to the fire that was slowly dying. “Yes, ~sir~. I’ll make sure to send you the report.” He sent a smile over his shoulder. “Would you like to send a message to Gwen?” 

“No thanks. We Skype.” 

“I see how it is. You two are still conspiring against me.” 

“I miss Anwen,” Q said. 

“She’s growing like a weed,” Jack said with a sad smile that Q understood. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?” 

“I won’t,” Q said in farewell and let Bond walk him back towards where he’d left the helicopter. 

With several buildings between them and the clean-up, Q was starting to get unnerved at the silence coming from 007. 

“No questions?” 

“I’m allowed to asked questions now?” James asked. 

Q rolled his eyes at the snarky tone. “Ask away,” he said grandly. 

“How long did you work for the Captain?” 

“Two very long years. He recruited me straight out of Uni after I’d had a run in with a…well, it doesn’t matter what it was, suffice it to say he saved my arse and hired me right after.” He’d been jumped by weevils and had configured his iPhone into a sonic noise maker which had almost worked when Jack had swooped in to the rescue. 

It had been tough to fill Toshiko Sato’s shoes. 

“And you and Jack were…”

“Shagging,” Q replied blandly. 

“Very funny,” Bond said but his lips were quirked slightly. “I was going to ask if you were part of a large team?” 

“Oh no, only the five of us. Jack, myself, Gwen, Andy and Martha. Only Gwen and Andy are left of our group.” 

“Five of you to fight aliens?” Bond asked, shocked. 

“Oh no, there are several Torchwood branches. We tried to stick to Wales and that area.” 

“Bloody hell,” was Bond’s pithy response. 

As they buckled themselves into the helicopter that Bond had landed in an abandoned carpark, Bond turned to Q. “Would you like to get dinner?” 

Q knew his mouth had dropped as he stared at Bond. “I’m sorry?” 

“Dinner?” Bond grinned at Q’s shock. “The evening meal, can be used in conjunction with a date?” 

Q blinked, then snapped his mouth shut. “Yes, thank you. Pick me up at 7:30.”

The earpiece that Q had tucked into his chest pocket squealed again. “Bond?” 

Bond stuck his fingers into the pocket, their faces so close that Q could see the flecks of gold in the blue of Bond’s eyes. He leaned back and placed the earpiece in his ear.

“Bond here. I have Q and everything is under control.”

M’s sigh of relief was audible to both men. “Thank goodness. Get yourselves back here and debrief.”

“Yes sir,” Bond said and removed the earpiece, placed headphones on and began to flick switches. As the rotors began to move, Q leaned over and pulled the right earpiece away from Bond’s ear. 

“I make fantastic breakfast scones.” Q gently let the earpiece lie flat. 

“I adore scones,” Bond said and lifted the helicopter into the sky, a smile on his face.


End file.
